LOVEv4.0 software now available

peterchristopher's picture

(from the internet, original source unknown)

Service Representative: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help desk. How may I help you?

Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0 know.. the freeware. I don't understand it. Can you tell me how to install it?

Service Rep: Sure thing sir. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you?

Customer: Yes, I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?

Service Rep: Sure thing, sir. LOVE is a unique program, none other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your tool bar, but you will notice its effect on every application you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother, and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.

Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?

Service Rep: Well good sound files, like COMPLEMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the ever popular syntax errors. Also, those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided.

LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of country of manufacture, the brand name, or the age of the model.

Customer: That's exactly what I need - my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs?

CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM,BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE .EXE. These programs can't be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you won't be able to write with the fonts "BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10".

Customer: That's a fantastic program. Are the upgrades free too?

CS Rep: Yes sir. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself to every external Hard drive, Email, and Remote Terminal (HEART) it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module you receive. But you have to remember - to receive the upgrades, you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running.

Customer: I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: First step is to open your HEART, then determine what programs are currently running.

Customer: Yes, let me see ... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM.

Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off sir?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: Yes. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Repeat this as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.

CS Rep: Good. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall itself for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to connnect to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops .. I have an error message already. It says "ERROR 423- PROGRAM WILL NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry sir, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. In non-technical terms it means that you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE".

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Good. Click to the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVENESS.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching into faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART.

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go, remember... LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people who will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Goodbye, and thank you for your help.


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